


Always in the Way

by castihelled



Series: Lovers of the Flame. || One-shot book. [5]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009 Phan, Alternate Universe - Different First Meeting, First Meetings, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Insecurities, M/M, Phan - Freeform, Regret, Sad, Self Confidence Issues, insecure, self doubt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-03
Updated: 2016-09-03
Packaged: 2018-08-12 18:31:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7944862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/castihelled/pseuds/castihelled
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>year: 2009<br/>ship: Phan</p><p>Their...meeting doesn't go exactly as planned.</p><p>Warning: Tiny mentioning/implying of suicide(?)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Always in the Way

"Today's the day." Phil whispers to himself as he opens his eyes. He could barely fall asleep the night before, thinking of how happy he would be when he finally met Dan. How happy _they_ would be.

They already, more or less, had plans for the weekend. Dan would stay the weekend, and they would watch Buffy together, like a two day sleepover. Phil had made sure his bedroom was decently presentable and comfortable the day before so Dan wouldn't feel so awkward when he arrived. 

He assumed Dan would want to nap for a while when he first got there, so he arranged the pillows nicely and fixed up his bed before he grabbed his clothes out of his dresser. He got out a pair of simple black jeans, and a plaid shirt. He fumbled to put on the jeans, and slipped on the shirt. He looked for his shoes and jacket, and out the door he went.

It felt hot while he was waiting for Dan. Perhaps it was from his anxious wait.

He couldn't wait to finally be able to hug Dan. While he was waiting, he imagined what he would feel like when he hugged him **—** soft, warm, and cuddly even, almost like a bear (a plush bear, obviously). 

Imagining all the fun they would have while talking about Muse and other common interests made Phil feel so warm inside. He felt as if nothing could ever top meeting Dan. Not even a concert to his favourite artist. 

In his jacket pocket, he had a bag of Maltesers, just for Dan. There was so much anticipation running through Phil's system. He felt as if he could run a marathon. 

It was almost time for Dan to arrive. He began feeling a little chilly **—** Or maybe it was because he was nervous. Maybe even both. Hands shaking, knees quivering. 

The clock was ticking so slow, but as soon as he saw where Dan was suppose to be getting off of, his face lit up. Gripping the Malteser bag in his pocket, he turned around and pretended to not have been waiting for Dan. He decided he would play it cool and just say "You're here already? That was fast!" Even though in reality, he's been waiting for about an hour. 

**—**

_"This is actually finally happening"_ Dan thought to himself. He was so nervous. All day, he'd been thinking about the possibility that Phil would find him repulsive, ugly, and boring in real life. He's only ever seen Dan through a webcam on Skype. 

His heart was beating fast, feeling a tinge of regret coming along. He felt goosebumps forming all along his arms and he felt them beginning to form on his legs. He couldn't tell if it was because it was a bit cold, or because he was hit with the sudden realisation that he was meeting actual AmazingPhil. Although he wasn't very popular on YouTube, Dan still admired him for being so brave as to put a part of him out there into the world.

 _"Come on Dan. You know this is meant to be. You may not know how, but it is and you know it."_ Was his last thought before he got to the final stop. His destination. 

Suddenly, he didn't want to do this. He felt as if Phil wouldn't enjoy his company and would feel as if Dan is about as worthless and useless as a white crayon. His spine tingled in reaction to spotting the mane of hair in the small crowd.

When the mind and heart have a conflict with each other, it usually ends in bad consequences. Dan knew this. He tried to push himself to getting up and getting out and stepping onto the platform. He tried to envision himself walking toward Phil, tapping his shoulder, and finally saying "Hi." In person, but his thoughts turned awry as he also imagined Phil turning around and seeing Dan for the first time, and being repulsed. All he could imagine Phil saying were awful things like "I thought you'd be more attractive in person. I guess i was lied by the camera." 

Nausea began taking over his body. He got up slowly, and saw Phil from the doors. As he was about to step out and onto the platform, he had his final second thought, and without hesitation, stayed on, and went to take a seat again.

"That was weird." He heard a voice next to him. He turned around in confusion, wondering what that was about. "What?" he whispered. "Why did you get up to just sit back down?" Dan thought up the fastest excuse he could. "I thought this was my stop, but it wasn't." 

When Dan arrived home, he opened his laptop checking for messages. 

_1 new message from Ama..._

Dan knew what the rest of it said. He reluctantly clicked the message. 

_"Where were you? Did you miss the stop or something?"_

"Yeah. Hey um, I have to go. Mum's home and she needs me to do some chores or something."

_"Oh, alright. Talk to you soon."_

Dan didn't respond to his last message. He knew he wasn't going to talk to him soon. He went through the trouble of changing his password to something he wouldn't know (by smashing his hand on the keyboard.) and changed the email he used to sign up to a fake one. He didn't want to go back to talking to Phil. He had done nothing to Dan, and he knew this very well, but he felt uneasy talking to him now, knowing that he'd ask when they could try to meet again. 

 _"I thought you'd be better looking in person. I guess I was lied by the camera."_ Echoed in his mind. Dan knew he hadn't actually said that, but the fact that there was a possibility that he could have scared him. 

All throughout the night, he thought about what would've happened if he would've just went along and met up with him as planned. It started out happy, and turned sour and twisted, so Dan started over. Every time, his thoughts would end with them being long term friends and Phil confessing that he actually hates him and that it was all a long, hilarious,  twisted prank.

Dan had basically tortured himself all night. He was starting to feel glad that he didn't meet Phil. Of course he felt bad that he felt this, but he was relieved that there was no chance that Phil would ever find him repulsive. There was no chance of him deciding that Dan wasn't good enough. He decided that this would be a closing to a small chapter in his life. It ended a bit too quickly, and for a quick second, he wished that Phil would've asked to meet later in their friendship, when Dan was ready to, but told himself that it's too late anyway, and to let that go. 

He remembered what he thought about the previous day **—** That he was scared that Phil would find him boring, annoying, repulsive. He brushed it away, and attempted to stop thinking about Phil.

Opening his laptop, he goes onto the internet and opens up YouTube, wanting to distract himself from his life. He clicks the search bar, and his last few searches appear right under.

"Amazingphil."

"Shane Dawson"

and a few other searches that he couldn't read as he started tearing up a little. He blinked furiously, trying to stop himself from crying. He decided to click on "AmazingPhil." 

He clicked on his favourite video of him, and watched it one last time.

Once the video was over, he scrolled down to the comment section, and shakily typed the words "I'm sorry." clicking the "comment" button.

He clicked on his own channel, and waited for a reply.

**—**

It felt as if it took ages for Phil to reply, but once Dan got a notification from him, he felt ready. He hesitated checking Phil's reply and in the end, decided against it. He felt tears prickling at the back of his eyes, and a pressure build up in the bridge of his nose. He slowly put his finger on the trackpad, and even more slowly went on to press a button on the screen.

_"Are you sure you want to delete your channel?"_

Dan dragged his finger over, hovering over _"Yes."_ He lifted his finger up slightly, and clicked.

**—**

**_Dan knew he always got in his own way. He knew he had to destroy what was holding him back, but he never knew how._ **

**_He never felt as if he could, and one day, he just stopped trying._ **

**_Some of us just feel like we have to stop trying, and Dan was one of them._ **

**_Yes, he was._ **


End file.
